Excuses Excuses Excuses

Yes that is me the queen of excuses they come so easy but if I put as much effort in my eating and training as I do my excuses I wouldn't be where I am now haha :)

While I lay awake most of last night with my mind going constantly I was thinking about some conversations I have had with people over the last couple of days. We were talking about finding what motivates me and I have nothing but after talking to TW last night I realised I actually do have a lot so why is it not working.

Motivation:
My Health, not wanting to get any of the health problem you can have with diabetes
My Mum, she is going through hell at the moment with a condition that leaves her in pain 24/7 and it's likely I will inherit it too
My Life, I want to be around for years to watch my kids grow up and have kids of their own, to drive my husband nuts for the rest of our lives haha
Myself, to feel good about myself and not embarrassed every time I go out
Clothes, to be able to walk into a shop and try on something that is at the front of the shop or something the manaquin wears instead of going into the back corner where the big clothes are hidden.

There should be enough motivation right there so why is it not working.

I think this is why because I don't believe I deserve it.

Over my life I have made some mistakes some were really big but don't we all so why can I not forgive myself for them maybe that is what is holding me back. I hurt so many people mainly my family and lost friends and I know this is in the past and I do need to move on.

5yrs ago I had to fight the biggest fight of my life for my life when I was struck with severe depression and although it isn't a life threatening illness I wanted it to take my life because it was a very dark place and anything would have been better than that and maybe you are asking why am I bringing this up well the answer to that is I had to FIGHT to save my life

And fight I did for 2yrs of hell but I fought and I still fight to this day and I am winning I have been off my meds for nearly 2yrs and there has been no re-occurrence and I am happy and much stronger for it so if I can fight for that then my weight is just another fight and it has to be won that I can win too.

I am human and humans make mistakes whether they be big or small it's what we do so maybe I need to forgive myself and move forward and allow myself to win this battle. I have so much support around me that I can do this I just need to believe in myself like everyone else believes in me.

2013 will be my year and to add to my motivation TW told me last night that if I reach a goal I have set for myself then he will take me on an overseas trip so if I can get too 100kgs by next Christmas we can go away and that would be awesome.

So what next for me no more excuses I think that is a good place to start :)

Triggers and Holidays

These are 2 things that for me really don't go together because the holidays are a giant trigger for me.

I am feeling a lot of frustration at the moment because the last couple of weeks the scales just keep going up and I am trying to get back on track but it just isn't happening because there are a lot of changes going on and I don't do change very well at all.

MW has been home for a few weeks now which means we have been going out a lot more and been busy which has meant eating on the run.

Also at the moment I am finding food just a pain in the butt and I don't want to eat it I'm bored with it even if we change it up its still the same stuff underneath Maybe it's just the head space I am in at the moment.

I want to get through Christmas and make next year my year but then again there is another big change coming up when JA leaves but thats ok cause I think I have a back up plan in place.

I did get up at 6am yesterday and go for a run with TW. JA has set me up with some things to do over the next 4wks and then when I get back he will test me on it.

I have 2 Christmas things to go to this week. We are going up to Auckland to see The Hobbit in 3d for Tony's work do and then on Friday TW mum is over from Oz so she is taking us out for dinner and then we have Christmas day and that should be the only days that will be an issue for me.

I have in my head what I want to do it is just putting it into action that I am finding the hardest part but I will get there I have to keep pushing through and keep getting back on that horse.

I will get there I just have to keep pushing and I know that others are in the same boat as me and I would say the same thing to them don't give up keep going and you will get there so time to take my own advice :)

Motivation and Inspiration

This was me 3yrs ago 143.3kgs the biggest I had ever been in my life. This weight represents a marriage falling apart, a binge eating disorder, total unhappiness that is what I see when I look at this picture.

The last couple of week have been pretty bad for me and I had lost all my motivation. I lost interest in the Gym, eating healthy gone out the window and I thought it was hopeless and maybe I should just give up and accept the way I am but no I am not going to do that instead I made a phone call that changed all of that.

I rang a friend who is also on this journey and after talking for over an hour I felt that candle inside me burning again and I was fired up. I got off the phone and tracked my food on MFP and was ready to go again.

SC said she was going to load some before and after pics on our groups page so it got me thinking I should do the same so I loaded one of me now and then I remembered this photo so I loaded this on and the one of me now and wow there is a difference and this is what I need to stay focused.

I always thought seeing smaller photos of me is what will help but they are great but it is this photo that I need to make sure I never go back to that person.

I now have sticky notes and this photo all over my house my kids and their friends get a chuckle out of it but I don't mind it is what is helping me.

I will also keep one in the car so if I am ever tempted to go through that drive thru I will have to ask myself is it really worth it??? 

I have to say that the support I have during my journey is amazing I have a great husband, great friends and a great trainer who are all on my side so to you all

THANK YOU