Loss of Focus

I have had a bad week I have lost all motivation so my eating and exercise has suffered :(

I'm not sure where or when it all went wrong cause I was doing so well. Maybe taking that 1 day off the Gym was the beginning cause now its been 3 days off.

TW went away for the week so I was on my own so that may have had something to do with it cause I really don't do change well so hopefully now he is home again I can get back on the horse and start again.

But that seems to be the next problem is the starting again I keep going to but it doesn't happen. I have to get my motivation back or it will end up like it always has in the past with me putting the weight back on and I don't want that.

I get so frustrated with myself because no matter how hard I try the old patterns keep coming back even though I really want them to go away and stay away.

So where too from here I guess I will take a deep breath in and go hard :)

Life is Good

Feeling really good right now I'm in such a good place :) big improvement from last week.

Family life is going good nice and steady we have put new rules in place and everyone is abiding by them.

Summer is coming so the weather is better and that always makes me feel better.

I am really getting into my training and enjoying it and seeing the results from all my hard work is awesome. My shirts and pants are getting looser so I am noticing changes even when I look in the mirror I can see changes in the shape of my body all great things :)

My eating has been almost perfect wow now that's a first lol. This week we went shopping on Friday night which meant that I was prepared for the weekend cause we normally are out on Saturday doing the shopping and I don't normally eat until 2pm so my eating times are out of whack and it really doesn't help.

So since we had the food in the house for the weekend I wrote out my weekends meals on MFP and when we did go into town on Saturday morning we did lots of walking which was bonus exercise and I took an apple and muesli bar so I didn't get hungry or want to buy lunch so I ate my apple and by time we got home I wasn't over hungry and just ate my salad and I was content :)

So this week I have my whole weeks breakfasts and dinners planned out so now all I have to do is work on my lunches and I will be prepared :)

I love feeling like this I am happy and this is the longest I have stayed in control with the Gym and weightloss in many years.

I am going to do it this time I feel like it is right and it is so easy which makes it feel right.

I WILL BE A SUCCESS :)

CW: 126.3kgs
SW:  128.9kgs
GW: 84kgs
TL : 2.6kgs

Milestones

Having a much better day today so things are looking up :)

Had a session with JA today and we had a good talk and he said he feels the same way that I have this week and it's normal so that really helped me to start changing my thinking.

I had a 400g gain at the Gym today so thats no as bad as I thought. It was a good workout but I was knackered so it just shows that its a big mind thing because I wasn't into it so I struggled well I'm gonna have to change that and in a hurry haha.

But today I did reach a milestone and to some it may seem small but to me it's huge :)

This week makes 1 month that I have been at the Gym 3 days a week and I was self motivated the whole time so if I had of not gone this week like I didn't want to I would have had to start it all again so I am so grateful to JA for texting me and saying NO to not going to the gym.

I have always given up when things get hard and I guess thats what I tried to do this week but because I had someone that wouldn't let me do it it means I get to change a habit of a life time I don't want to be that quitter any more so this is the first step to making a change.

Also the fact that I did it myself is also a big deal cause I have never really been self motivated I would go to the gym do 20-30mins and I wouldn't push hard I was just there well this month I have gone in pushed hard and trained for 1hr 10mins so that is why this is a big deal to me.

So what is my plan from here well to relax a little more and not be so hard on myself, I am going to plan meals and try new things, I will print out my food plan and show JA so I am accountable, keep training 3 days a week so over the next month I will be putting these things into action :)

Battles

I am going through another internal battle and it's driving me nuts.

Last night I txt JA and said I was taking the week off the Gym and would go back next week and start a fresh well his reply to that was NO I was not breaking my habit and had to keep at it.

After that message it got me thinking and that's what I always do I always give up when it gets too hard and I always take a break but never get back into it so this time I'm not going to give up I will keep fighting and one day I might get the results I want.

Sometimes I am tired of fighting and just think maybe this is it for me maybe I am supposed to be over weight I mean after fighting for 23yrs to lose weight and when I did lose it I couldn't keep it off so I have to wonder.

I feel like my whole life is a battle it's like I have to fight for everything and never get a break.

Financially we were finally seeing the end in sight then the car broke down and cost us $4500, my two girls needed glasses and me too another $1000 and it just seemed to get further away again. We have struggled financially for a long time and seeing an end was good.

But as I write this it has got me thinking and because someone very special once told me that God only give us what he knows we can handle but seeing as I am not religious I had to look at it differently and Life only gives us what we can handle.

We may not own our own home but we have a roof over our heads, we may not have a flash car but we have a car, we may not have all the flash gadgets but we have what we need. There are so many people who don't even have these things.

So all these things that seem like a big deal to me in the scheme of things are so little I am actually really lucky so I need to just suck it up and be grateful for what I have.

Yes I am over weight but I am healthy as healthy as I can be, I am reasonably fit for the size I am and I can do a lot of things I haven't been able to do in the past. No i'm not the size I want to be but maybe thins is all a test for me to push me to my limits so I can get through it finally break through what ever is holding me back.

I have to keep going no matter how hard it gets and no matter how much I want to quit I have to keep going pushing through and the more I push the stronger I will get and the more I can deal with.

Up and Down like a YOYO

The last week has been up and down but it is that T.O.M again so that explains it.

My eating hasn't been that great I do really well during the day but when night comes I crave bad stuff and have been giving in.

I went to training today but only managed upper body cause I am feeling so blah.

I feel like I am going 1 step forward and 2 steps back and I do get very frustrated by it. The scales went up again this week I know why but it still doesn't help. I guess i'm not as strong as what I would like to be.

I will keep on going and keep pushing through until I get there but I have to say even though the scales are up my body shape has definitely changed and my clothes are still loose so that is what counts.

I have to accept once a month this will change and my mood changes and I just have to get through that and find ways to get through it easier