Excuses Excuses Excuses

Yes that is me the queen of excuses they come so easy but if I put as much effort in my eating and training as I do my excuses I wouldn't be where I am now haha :)

While I lay awake most of last night with my mind going constantly I was thinking about some conversations I have had with people over the last couple of days. We were talking about finding what motivates me and I have nothing but after talking to TW last night I realised I actually do have a lot so why is it not working.

Motivation:
My Health, not wanting to get any of the health problem you can have with diabetes
My Mum, she is going through hell at the moment with a condition that leaves her in pain 24/7 and it's likely I will inherit it too
My Life, I want to be around for years to watch my kids grow up and have kids of their own, to drive my husband nuts for the rest of our lives haha
Myself, to feel good about myself and not embarrassed every time I go out
Clothes, to be able to walk into a shop and try on something that is at the front of the shop or something the manaquin wears instead of going into the back corner where the big clothes are hidden.

There should be enough motivation right there so why is it not working.

I think this is why because I don't believe I deserve it.

Over my life I have made some mistakes some were really big but don't we all so why can I not forgive myself for them maybe that is what is holding me back. I hurt so many people mainly my family and lost friends and I know this is in the past and I do need to move on.

5yrs ago I had to fight the biggest fight of my life for my life when I was struck with severe depression and although it isn't a life threatening illness I wanted it to take my life because it was a very dark place and anything would have been better than that and maybe you are asking why am I bringing this up well the answer to that is I had to FIGHT to save my life

And fight I did for 2yrs of hell but I fought and I still fight to this day and I am winning I have been off my meds for nearly 2yrs and there has been no re-occurrence and I am happy and much stronger for it so if I can fight for that then my weight is just another fight and it has to be won that I can win too.

I am human and humans make mistakes whether they be big or small it's what we do so maybe I need to forgive myself and move forward and allow myself to win this battle. I have so much support around me that I can do this I just need to believe in myself like everyone else believes in me.

2013 will be my year and to add to my motivation TW told me last night that if I reach a goal I have set for myself then he will take me on an overseas trip so if I can get too 100kgs by next Christmas we can go away and that would be awesome.

So what next for me no more excuses I think that is a good place to start :)

Triggers and Holidays

These are 2 things that for me really don't go together because the holidays are a giant trigger for me.

I am feeling a lot of frustration at the moment because the last couple of weeks the scales just keep going up and I am trying to get back on track but it just isn't happening because there are a lot of changes going on and I don't do change very well at all.

MW has been home for a few weeks now which means we have been going out a lot more and been busy which has meant eating on the run.

Also at the moment I am finding food just a pain in the butt and I don't want to eat it I'm bored with it even if we change it up its still the same stuff underneath Maybe it's just the head space I am in at the moment.

I want to get through Christmas and make next year my year but then again there is another big change coming up when JA leaves but thats ok cause I think I have a back up plan in place.

I did get up at 6am yesterday and go for a run with TW. JA has set me up with some things to do over the next 4wks and then when I get back he will test me on it.

I have 2 Christmas things to go to this week. We are going up to Auckland to see The Hobbit in 3d for Tony's work do and then on Friday TW mum is over from Oz so she is taking us out for dinner and then we have Christmas day and that should be the only days that will be an issue for me.

I have in my head what I want to do it is just putting it into action that I am finding the hardest part but I will get there I have to keep pushing through and keep getting back on that horse.

I will get there I just have to keep pushing and I know that others are in the same boat as me and I would say the same thing to them don't give up keep going and you will get there so time to take my own advice :)

Motivation and Inspiration

This was me 3yrs ago 143.3kgs the biggest I had ever been in my life. This weight represents a marriage falling apart, a binge eating disorder, total unhappiness that is what I see when I look at this picture.

The last couple of week have been pretty bad for me and I had lost all my motivation. I lost interest in the Gym, eating healthy gone out the window and I thought it was hopeless and maybe I should just give up and accept the way I am but no I am not going to do that instead I made a phone call that changed all of that.

I rang a friend who is also on this journey and after talking for over an hour I felt that candle inside me burning again and I was fired up. I got off the phone and tracked my food on MFP and was ready to go again.

SC said she was going to load some before and after pics on our groups page so it got me thinking I should do the same so I loaded one of me now and then I remembered this photo so I loaded this on and the one of me now and wow there is a difference and this is what I need to stay focused.

I always thought seeing smaller photos of me is what will help but they are great but it is this photo that I need to make sure I never go back to that person.

I now have sticky notes and this photo all over my house my kids and their friends get a chuckle out of it but I don't mind it is what is helping me.

I will also keep one in the car so if I am ever tempted to go through that drive thru I will have to ask myself is it really worth it??? 

I have to say that the support I have during my journey is amazing I have a great husband, great friends and a great trainer who are all on my side so to you all

THANK YOU

Loss of Focus

I have had a bad week I have lost all motivation so my eating and exercise has suffered :(

I'm not sure where or when it all went wrong cause I was doing so well. Maybe taking that 1 day off the Gym was the beginning cause now its been 3 days off.

TW went away for the week so I was on my own so that may have had something to do with it cause I really don't do change well so hopefully now he is home again I can get back on the horse and start again.

But that seems to be the next problem is the starting again I keep going to but it doesn't happen. I have to get my motivation back or it will end up like it always has in the past with me putting the weight back on and I don't want that.

I get so frustrated with myself because no matter how hard I try the old patterns keep coming back even though I really want them to go away and stay away.

So where too from here I guess I will take a deep breath in and go hard :)

Life is Good

Feeling really good right now I'm in such a good place :) big improvement from last week.

Family life is going good nice and steady we have put new rules in place and everyone is abiding by them.

Summer is coming so the weather is better and that always makes me feel better.

I am really getting into my training and enjoying it and seeing the results from all my hard work is awesome. My shirts and pants are getting looser so I am noticing changes even when I look in the mirror I can see changes in the shape of my body all great things :)

My eating has been almost perfect wow now that's a first lol. This week we went shopping on Friday night which meant that I was prepared for the weekend cause we normally are out on Saturday doing the shopping and I don't normally eat until 2pm so my eating times are out of whack and it really doesn't help.

So since we had the food in the house for the weekend I wrote out my weekends meals on MFP and when we did go into town on Saturday morning we did lots of walking which was bonus exercise and I took an apple and muesli bar so I didn't get hungry or want to buy lunch so I ate my apple and by time we got home I wasn't over hungry and just ate my salad and I was content :)

So this week I have my whole weeks breakfasts and dinners planned out so now all I have to do is work on my lunches and I will be prepared :)

I love feeling like this I am happy and this is the longest I have stayed in control with the Gym and weightloss in many years.

I am going to do it this time I feel like it is right and it is so easy which makes it feel right.

I WILL BE A SUCCESS :)

CW: 126.3kgs
SW:  128.9kgs
GW: 84kgs
TL : 2.6kgs

Milestones

Having a much better day today so things are looking up :)

Had a session with JA today and we had a good talk and he said he feels the same way that I have this week and it's normal so that really helped me to start changing my thinking.

I had a 400g gain at the Gym today so thats no as bad as I thought. It was a good workout but I was knackered so it just shows that its a big mind thing because I wasn't into it so I struggled well I'm gonna have to change that and in a hurry haha.

But today I did reach a milestone and to some it may seem small but to me it's huge :)

This week makes 1 month that I have been at the Gym 3 days a week and I was self motivated the whole time so if I had of not gone this week like I didn't want to I would have had to start it all again so I am so grateful to JA for texting me and saying NO to not going to the gym.

I have always given up when things get hard and I guess thats what I tried to do this week but because I had someone that wouldn't let me do it it means I get to change a habit of a life time I don't want to be that quitter any more so this is the first step to making a change.

Also the fact that I did it myself is also a big deal cause I have never really been self motivated I would go to the gym do 20-30mins and I wouldn't push hard I was just there well this month I have gone in pushed hard and trained for 1hr 10mins so that is why this is a big deal to me.

So what is my plan from here well to relax a little more and not be so hard on myself, I am going to plan meals and try new things, I will print out my food plan and show JA so I am accountable, keep training 3 days a week so over the next month I will be putting these things into action :)

Battles

I am going through another internal battle and it's driving me nuts.

Last night I txt JA and said I was taking the week off the Gym and would go back next week and start a fresh well his reply to that was NO I was not breaking my habit and had to keep at it.

After that message it got me thinking and that's what I always do I always give up when it gets too hard and I always take a break but never get back into it so this time I'm not going to give up I will keep fighting and one day I might get the results I want.

Sometimes I am tired of fighting and just think maybe this is it for me maybe I am supposed to be over weight I mean after fighting for 23yrs to lose weight and when I did lose it I couldn't keep it off so I have to wonder.

I feel like my whole life is a battle it's like I have to fight for everything and never get a break.

Financially we were finally seeing the end in sight then the car broke down and cost us $4500, my two girls needed glasses and me too another $1000 and it just seemed to get further away again. We have struggled financially for a long time and seeing an end was good.

But as I write this it has got me thinking and because someone very special once told me that God only give us what he knows we can handle but seeing as I am not religious I had to look at it differently and Life only gives us what we can handle.

We may not own our own home but we have a roof over our heads, we may not have a flash car but we have a car, we may not have all the flash gadgets but we have what we need. There are so many people who don't even have these things.

So all these things that seem like a big deal to me in the scheme of things are so little I am actually really lucky so I need to just suck it up and be grateful for what I have.

Yes I am over weight but I am healthy as healthy as I can be, I am reasonably fit for the size I am and I can do a lot of things I haven't been able to do in the past. No i'm not the size I want to be but maybe thins is all a test for me to push me to my limits so I can get through it finally break through what ever is holding me back.

I have to keep going no matter how hard it gets and no matter how much I want to quit I have to keep going pushing through and the more I push the stronger I will get and the more I can deal with.