Woke up this morning and feeling a little down I guess it's that time again oh well should be used to it now.
The last few days I have been thinking about my life I guess things that have happened in the past, things I have missed out on and a lot of it is because I have been too scared, shy.
The truth is I lead a very lonely life I can count my friends on one hand and that's sad because there was once that I had a lot of friends but they all left and some I know why and others just left so now I just don't want to keep going through that so I stay very closed off a bit of a recluse really.
I also get very jealous of other people and it happens a lot. I see people out walking together, going out for coffee together always looking happy and smiling. I want that but it just isn't meant to be.
Some of the reason I did my PT course was so that I could feel like I was someone that I could be something but the reality is it never changed anything because I am too scared to use it, I honestly don't think I am good enough and maybe that is wrong but it's how I feel and I guess feeling like a failure my whole life has led to this.
I really do have a confidence issue and I do need to get over it but I don't know how how do you change the feelings of a life time.
Even as a couple TW and I don't go out and socialise I want too and on the odd occasion that we have I have really enjoyed myself but again we don't know many couples.
Maybe once I lose my weight things may change my weight is an issue and I know it.
When I lost my weight last time I had lots of aquantinces and lots of encouragement and when ever people saw me they would always compliment me and it did feel good that people noticed but I also got out there and was always at the school helping out so I saw a lot more people.
I don't do any of that now I don't do much at all truthfully my life consists of going to the gym, taking kids to martial arts and spending a lot of time at home thats my life.
I used to do crafts but even now that part of my life is packed up in boxes hopefully one day when we get a bigger house they will come out again.
So little baby steps and I will start with getting this weight off and then see where I go from here.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Monday, October 29, 2012
Noticing changes
This covers so many things not just physical changes but emotional changes too. I have been doing this for a long time up and down, on and off it's been a roller coaster ride for most of my life but I really believe that this time the roller coaster will end and eventually I will get to some smooth rides :)
As I am writing this I am smiling because I am in such a good place right now and even though there is some crap going on around it it for the first time isn't affecting me like in the past it would have destroyed me and sent me spiralling down. So what I take from this is I am a much stronger person.
I am dealing with a teenager and her issues at the moment and I don't know how parents survive the teenage years they are crazy and extremely stressful and normally with these situations I lose the plot and turn to eating and a lot of tears. I have always got involved when MW has been in trouble and yesterday was another one of those times but how I dealt with it was different.
MW stormed into the house yesterday at approx 1.30pm saying she got into a fight at school and she threw the first punch but it was the two girls that came after her and she had enough. It's usually at this point that I get on the phone to the school, and rant and yell and call the cops etc but I made a decision a while ago that I am tired of fighting her battles.
There are always two sides to every story and I only hear one and knowing what I know about my daughter I know she isn't innocent and I'm sorry if thats sounds a bit rough because she is my daughter and I do love her but I also know what she is like.
So when she came home yesterday I made her write the incident down and I rang the Principal and asked him to call, I then sent MW back to the school office with her letter and I rang the office to say she would be back and she sorted it out herself and owned up to her part in it.
When the Principal rang me last night I told him that it was not my battle and I wanted MW to take responsibly for her actions and he said I did the right thing. There are consequences for her actions and she has been internally stood down for the day.
All of this would normally affect me because I am a very emotional person and I get too involved and this time I chose to put myself first and protect myself and I feel good about it.
So today I am sitting here feeling very relaxed and this is all new to me but I like it I like this feeling because it shows me I am stronger and I can pick my battles.
All of the drama aside the Gym is going so well I did upper and lower body yesterday and I am really self motivated at the moment, I am watching my weight slowly go down but that's ok and i'm noticing changes in my shape so I know I am doing the right thing.
I have my eating under control most of the time and using My Fitness Pal is helping me to stay honest.
I am feeling good right now and I hope this feeling never ends but I it's life up and down but I have a feeling I will be able to handle things so much better from here on in :)
As I am writing this I am smiling because I am in such a good place right now and even though there is some crap going on around it it for the first time isn't affecting me like in the past it would have destroyed me and sent me spiralling down. So what I take from this is I am a much stronger person.
I am dealing with a teenager and her issues at the moment and I don't know how parents survive the teenage years they are crazy and extremely stressful and normally with these situations I lose the plot and turn to eating and a lot of tears. I have always got involved when MW has been in trouble and yesterday was another one of those times but how I dealt with it was different.
MW stormed into the house yesterday at approx 1.30pm saying she got into a fight at school and she threw the first punch but it was the two girls that came after her and she had enough. It's usually at this point that I get on the phone to the school, and rant and yell and call the cops etc but I made a decision a while ago that I am tired of fighting her battles.
There are always two sides to every story and I only hear one and knowing what I know about my daughter I know she isn't innocent and I'm sorry if thats sounds a bit rough because she is my daughter and I do love her but I also know what she is like.
So when she came home yesterday I made her write the incident down and I rang the Principal and asked him to call, I then sent MW back to the school office with her letter and I rang the office to say she would be back and she sorted it out herself and owned up to her part in it.
When the Principal rang me last night I told him that it was not my battle and I wanted MW to take responsibly for her actions and he said I did the right thing. There are consequences for her actions and she has been internally stood down for the day.
All of this would normally affect me because I am a very emotional person and I get too involved and this time I chose to put myself first and protect myself and I feel good about it.
So today I am sitting here feeling very relaxed and this is all new to me but I like it I like this feeling because it shows me I am stronger and I can pick my battles.
All of the drama aside the Gym is going so well I did upper and lower body yesterday and I am really self motivated at the moment, I am watching my weight slowly go down but that's ok and i'm noticing changes in my shape so I know I am doing the right thing.
I have my eating under control most of the time and using My Fitness Pal is helping me to stay honest.
I am feeling good right now and I hope this feeling never ends but I it's life up and down but I have a feeling I will be able to handle things so much better from here on in :)
Thursday, October 25, 2012
One year ago I joined Jetts
It seems like such a long time ago. I had just finished with JV and it was time for the next stage.
I walked into the Jetts Chartwell nervous as I could possibly be and just stood there looking. It was brand new and pretty cool. Time for the next chapter to start :)
While I was waiting for the orientation this young trainer came up to me and introduced himself it was JA and slowly the nerves disappeared and I started to relaxed.
We talked a little and he asked if I had any questions which I didn't at the time. It was quite busy lots of people coming in to look around the same as me really.
After the orientation was complete we had to choose a trainer for our first session and there was a few to choose from but I choose JA mainly because he was the first to come up and talk to me and I had no idea at the time that we would end up being friends because thats what I consider him and always will :)
Over the weeks and months I got to know all the staff and felt more like a member of the team rather than just a member of the Gym.
A new trainer started JT he was fun cause as soon as I met him I told him I would get him sacked lol poor bugger he didn't know if I was serious or not but it was fun teasing him.
We went out socially a few times there was dinners, bowling, megazone and we all had a great time together. I had joined a gym but made some cool friends too.
The Gym was my happy place I actually spent more time there socialising that training haha.
I would see JA twice a week for 30min sessions and it was hard but fun lots of boxing and circuits but he made it fun I mean who wouldn't enjoying beating someone up when they were encouraging you to do it.
Then a few months ago it all changed DF left and JA moved to Ham East and I was lost it was thinking about quitting and not going back and JA wanted me to come to Ham East he said I would like it there so I thought about it and then I injured my back so had to take some time off.
After 5wks I had made my decision and I transferred over and haven't looked back since.
I did the Fighting Fit Group and once that finished I had to start training on my own which started last week I got my new program so now I do Monday and Friday on my own and Wednesday I do an Hour with JA.
Today was the first session on my own and I aced it I did upper and lower body and was there for 1hr 15mins I enjoyed it so much I just wanted to keep going I am sore now though but it was worth it.
So one year on I have found my love for Jetts again and I am happy right where I am and changing Gyms was the best thing for me a new and fresh start in a new location it all makes a difference :)
I walked into the Jetts Chartwell nervous as I could possibly be and just stood there looking. It was brand new and pretty cool. Time for the next chapter to start :)
While I was waiting for the orientation this young trainer came up to me and introduced himself it was JA and slowly the nerves disappeared and I started to relaxed.
We talked a little and he asked if I had any questions which I didn't at the time. It was quite busy lots of people coming in to look around the same as me really.
After the orientation was complete we had to choose a trainer for our first session and there was a few to choose from but I choose JA mainly because he was the first to come up and talk to me and I had no idea at the time that we would end up being friends because thats what I consider him and always will :)
Over the weeks and months I got to know all the staff and felt more like a member of the team rather than just a member of the Gym.
A new trainer started JT he was fun cause as soon as I met him I told him I would get him sacked lol poor bugger he didn't know if I was serious or not but it was fun teasing him.
We went out socially a few times there was dinners, bowling, megazone and we all had a great time together. I had joined a gym but made some cool friends too.
The Gym was my happy place I actually spent more time there socialising that training haha.
I would see JA twice a week for 30min sessions and it was hard but fun lots of boxing and circuits but he made it fun I mean who wouldn't enjoying beating someone up when they were encouraging you to do it.
Then a few months ago it all changed DF left and JA moved to Ham East and I was lost it was thinking about quitting and not going back and JA wanted me to come to Ham East he said I would like it there so I thought about it and then I injured my back so had to take some time off.
After 5wks I had made my decision and I transferred over and haven't looked back since.
I did the Fighting Fit Group and once that finished I had to start training on my own which started last week I got my new program so now I do Monday and Friday on my own and Wednesday I do an Hour with JA.
Today was the first session on my own and I aced it I did upper and lower body and was there for 1hr 15mins I enjoyed it so much I just wanted to keep going I am sore now though but it was worth it.
So one year on I have found my love for Jetts again and I am happy right where I am and changing Gyms was the best thing for me a new and fresh start in a new location it all makes a difference :)
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Old Habits are so hard to break
The last few days have been quite frustrating for me. I weighed on Monday and only lost 100g and I was so annoyed because I thought I was doing so well and I had been eating better and I couldn't understand it.
So the old thoughts came back into my head why bother, just quit, what's the point and TW just said keep doing what your doing and relax about it and stop worrying so much.
I do worry and maybe that's why I struggle because I do put so much pressure on myself which I have to learn to stop doing because it is not going to help me get where I want to be.
I wanted to train on Monday it was upper body day but I hurt my shoulder on Saturday and I didn't want to risk injuring it even more so went for a walk instead.
So today was my session with JA and he weighed me and the scales said 127.6kgs so I had lost 900g so that is proof that this is working and it also tells me not to weigh on a Monday because my eating changes over the weekend so I will now just weigh at the Gym on a Wednesday and I will keep on keeping on.
Regardless of what my head is saying I am doing well and I know this because I am lasting 1hr with JA, I am running faster than last week, I am pushing through and I am taking little steps and I am achieving slowly.
I really do have to stop beating myself up cause it gets me nowhere haha
While out on my run today I was thinking that even though the weight isn't dropping off fast when I was at this weight 7yrs ago I sure as heck wouldn't be running around the block I would be lucky if I could walk around there without stopping 100 times, and I certainly wouldn't be going back inside and boxing and doing a circuit it just wasn't possible.
So I have to remember that I may not be changing on the outside as fast as I would like but on the inside I am changing and I have to realise I'm human I'm not perfect I will just have to keep trying and trying and trying and oneday I will get there.
I have changed a lot of things I am more careful with what I eat, I'm not eating take aways 5 times a week so little steps and over the years I have changed a lot.
I beat anorexia, I beat a binge eating disorder, I beat depression man I should be patting myself on the back not beating myself up haha.
I am so worth this and I will take as long as I can to get where I want each week changing something little whether it be food, exercise or the way I think.
I CAN DO THIS :)
So the old thoughts came back into my head why bother, just quit, what's the point and TW just said keep doing what your doing and relax about it and stop worrying so much.
I do worry and maybe that's why I struggle because I do put so much pressure on myself which I have to learn to stop doing because it is not going to help me get where I want to be.
I wanted to train on Monday it was upper body day but I hurt my shoulder on Saturday and I didn't want to risk injuring it even more so went for a walk instead.
So today was my session with JA and he weighed me and the scales said 127.6kgs so I had lost 900g so that is proof that this is working and it also tells me not to weigh on a Monday because my eating changes over the weekend so I will now just weigh at the Gym on a Wednesday and I will keep on keeping on.
Regardless of what my head is saying I am doing well and I know this because I am lasting 1hr with JA, I am running faster than last week, I am pushing through and I am taking little steps and I am achieving slowly.
I really do have to stop beating myself up cause it gets me nowhere haha
While out on my run today I was thinking that even though the weight isn't dropping off fast when I was at this weight 7yrs ago I sure as heck wouldn't be running around the block I would be lucky if I could walk around there without stopping 100 times, and I certainly wouldn't be going back inside and boxing and doing a circuit it just wasn't possible.
So I have to remember that I may not be changing on the outside as fast as I would like but on the inside I am changing and I have to realise I'm human I'm not perfect I will just have to keep trying and trying and trying and oneday I will get there.
I have changed a lot of things I am more careful with what I eat, I'm not eating take aways 5 times a week so little steps and over the years I have changed a lot.
I beat anorexia, I beat a binge eating disorder, I beat depression man I should be patting myself on the back not beating myself up haha.
I am so worth this and I will take as long as I can to get where I want each week changing something little whether it be food, exercise or the way I think.
I CAN DO THIS :)
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Failure
This is a word that has described most of my life and I was hoping that would change and now I was a success but right now I'm not feeling that.
My life is full of incomplete things I would start courses and get to the final assignment and never finish it. I have an incomplete child care and fitness and nutrition course out there.
I guess my weightloss is another one I have lost the weight once before but I couldn't keep it off and I'm over weight again.
I have also never managed to keep a job for long either 3 days was my first ever job then another for 3 weeks then I managed to keep two jobs for 6 months each. I then had a job for one day off two years my longest to date.
I was unemployed when I got pregnant with my oldest who is now 15yrs. When my youngest who is now 8yrs was 4yrs I got a job first one in years and it lasted 6 months the sad part is I loved the job so much but the boss accused me of stealing $20 when it went missing on her shift so I walked out 3 days before Christmas I was devastated I may be a lot of things but I'm not a thief.
I then just drifted not knowing where I was going or what I wanted to do until this year when I did the Personal Training Course and as hard as it was I loved it and I completed it. I finally felt like I knew what I was meant to do.
Well it seems not. I see some of the others from my class and they have successful businesses and got jobs from the course and then there is me and to be honest I can't even give sessions away. I have two friends I train and I appreciate them so much because they are helping me get my confidence.
Confidence is my down fall I am terrified of doing this I so badly want to help people but I'm scared to do it and I need to earn some money and will have to start charging at some stage because we were taught that by giving our services for free it means we don't value ourselves and what we have to offer.
I really enjoy training myself and others and I want to make sessions fun but why makes it hard is I have a very small house and my gym is my lounge and I can't bring strangers in so its an obstacle I don't have much control over.
I hate being like this I am tired of feeling like a failure all the time I want to be a success for a change I just wish I knew how to make it happen.
Sorry this is such a downer post just how I'm feeling right now.
My life is full of incomplete things I would start courses and get to the final assignment and never finish it. I have an incomplete child care and fitness and nutrition course out there.
I guess my weightloss is another one I have lost the weight once before but I couldn't keep it off and I'm over weight again.
I have also never managed to keep a job for long either 3 days was my first ever job then another for 3 weeks then I managed to keep two jobs for 6 months each. I then had a job for one day off two years my longest to date.
I was unemployed when I got pregnant with my oldest who is now 15yrs. When my youngest who is now 8yrs was 4yrs I got a job first one in years and it lasted 6 months the sad part is I loved the job so much but the boss accused me of stealing $20 when it went missing on her shift so I walked out 3 days before Christmas I was devastated I may be a lot of things but I'm not a thief.
I then just drifted not knowing where I was going or what I wanted to do until this year when I did the Personal Training Course and as hard as it was I loved it and I completed it. I finally felt like I knew what I was meant to do.
Well it seems not. I see some of the others from my class and they have successful businesses and got jobs from the course and then there is me and to be honest I can't even give sessions away. I have two friends I train and I appreciate them so much because they are helping me get my confidence.
Confidence is my down fall I am terrified of doing this I so badly want to help people but I'm scared to do it and I need to earn some money and will have to start charging at some stage because we were taught that by giving our services for free it means we don't value ourselves and what we have to offer.
I really enjoy training myself and others and I want to make sessions fun but why makes it hard is I have a very small house and my gym is my lounge and I can't bring strangers in so its an obstacle I don't have much control over.
I hate being like this I am tired of feeling like a failure all the time I want to be a success for a change I just wish I knew how to make it happen.
Sorry this is such a downer post just how I'm feeling right now.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Derailment and rerailment
I know rerailment isn't really a word but it is the best word to describe my week.
Monday went well good workout and food was good and I thought I had things under control but it seems not it seems the self sabotage set in again on Tuesday and it wasn't good and then again on Wednesday and surprise surprise Thursday too.
I wish I knew why I do it but once I'm down I keep pushing further instead of just having one bad day I turn it into days and I frustrate the crap out of myself it's like come on why do you do this all the time snap out of it will you.
Well that's what I did today I snapped out of it. I went to the gym this morning and enjoyed my session and was lucky to have JA to take me through it since it was the first time with my new leg program.
My food was good too and I stayed within my calories but I did test myself tonight and was going to have dessert and go over my calories but after I decided I was having it I realised I didn't need it I wasn't hungry so why eat so I am proud of myself for not having it its the first step to changing my habits.
It's really hard though when MW always wants desserts and in the past I would encourage her to make them but its not what I want now so it kinda pisses me off now and the worst part is she doesn't seem to care and just says don't have any well that's easier said than done.
I know I have to make a lifestyle change no more dieting but its so hard to change the habits of a lifetime but I want too and I will do this for as long as it takes to sink in to my thick skull lol.
So we are at the weekend again they are a struggle for me I guess because its different to my during the week routine and we go grocery shopping so I get tempted by more things I just have to stay strong and hope for the best.
I am hoping to go shopping tomorrow to buy some weights and barbells for my gym they are the last things that I want and then I am set and can do so much more for me and my clients.
I am determined to keep with my training and I have to make the most of my time with JA cause I only have 5mths with him before he goes away and then I am on my own which is going to be sad but could be good too I have to see change as a good thing not a bad it means by time he leaves his job is done and its time for the next chapter to begin :)
I am getting used to change now its happening on a regular basis haha but its all good embrace it I say you never know what other good stuff is just around the corner :)
Monday went well good workout and food was good and I thought I had things under control but it seems not it seems the self sabotage set in again on Tuesday and it wasn't good and then again on Wednesday and surprise surprise Thursday too.
I wish I knew why I do it but once I'm down I keep pushing further instead of just having one bad day I turn it into days and I frustrate the crap out of myself it's like come on why do you do this all the time snap out of it will you.
Well that's what I did today I snapped out of it. I went to the gym this morning and enjoyed my session and was lucky to have JA to take me through it since it was the first time with my new leg program.
My food was good too and I stayed within my calories but I did test myself tonight and was going to have dessert and go over my calories but after I decided I was having it I realised I didn't need it I wasn't hungry so why eat so I am proud of myself for not having it its the first step to changing my habits.
It's really hard though when MW always wants desserts and in the past I would encourage her to make them but its not what I want now so it kinda pisses me off now and the worst part is she doesn't seem to care and just says don't have any well that's easier said than done.
I know I have to make a lifestyle change no more dieting but its so hard to change the habits of a lifetime but I want too and I will do this for as long as it takes to sink in to my thick skull lol.
So we are at the weekend again they are a struggle for me I guess because its different to my during the week routine and we go grocery shopping so I get tempted by more things I just have to stay strong and hope for the best.
I am hoping to go shopping tomorrow to buy some weights and barbells for my gym they are the last things that I want and then I am set and can do so much more for me and my clients.
I am determined to keep with my training and I have to make the most of my time with JA cause I only have 5mths with him before he goes away and then I am on my own which is going to be sad but could be good too I have to see change as a good thing not a bad it means by time he leaves his job is done and its time for the next chapter to begin :)
I am getting used to change now its happening on a regular basis haha but its all good embrace it I say you never know what other good stuff is just around the corner :)
Monday, October 15, 2012
Emotions
They are certainly crazy things to have to deal with on a daily basis sometimes good and sometimes bad and sometimes in between.
Take yesterday for example I had a great morning felt great after my workout and then went to Physio and still felt good a little sore but good. On the way home the car started playing up so that didn't help and then it came right.
I then went to visit a friend and we had a good catch and a laugh so I was feeling good.
I left there and turned up at home and found that I couldn't use my driveway because it had been dug up and we weren't told about it so I was pretty pissed by now.
Then I rang the Hospital to try and get someone to look at my son's ears he had surgery for bat ears in Feb this year and one of his ears just isn't right so I rang them and they said sorry you have been discharged and you have to see you GP and start again. Not feeling that great right about now.
Read something on Facebook that upset me cause it brought some bad memories back of something that happened a few years ago.
It was after all this that I rang another friend and that was it I was a goner the tears just flowed and flowed and the funny thing was I didn't actually know why I was crying.
I am so used to all those things happening so why did I fall apart after feeling so good for half the day maybe it was tiredness or maybe it was frustration who knows but I would have to be the most emotional person out there and I still don't understand them :)
Today is looking better other than being in pain from my training yesterday which is a good thing so I am chilling out today and reading my books :)
Take yesterday for example I had a great morning felt great after my workout and then went to Physio and still felt good a little sore but good. On the way home the car started playing up so that didn't help and then it came right.
I then went to visit a friend and we had a good catch and a laugh so I was feeling good.
I left there and turned up at home and found that I couldn't use my driveway because it had been dug up and we weren't told about it so I was pretty pissed by now.
Then I rang the Hospital to try and get someone to look at my son's ears he had surgery for bat ears in Feb this year and one of his ears just isn't right so I rang them and they said sorry you have been discharged and you have to see you GP and start again. Not feeling that great right about now.
Read something on Facebook that upset me cause it brought some bad memories back of something that happened a few years ago.
It was after all this that I rang another friend and that was it I was a goner the tears just flowed and flowed and the funny thing was I didn't actually know why I was crying.
I am so used to all those things happening so why did I fall apart after feeling so good for half the day maybe it was tiredness or maybe it was frustration who knows but I would have to be the most emotional person out there and I still don't understand them :)
Today is looking better other than being in pain from my training yesterday which is a good thing so I am chilling out today and reading my books :)
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Socialising
Last night I went out to celebrate a friends birthday and I had a great time but it also got me to thinking about how things have changed.
10yrs ago I was such a different person I was still shy but I got over it and didn't let it hold me back. I had lots of friends and lots of people I talked too it was nice and I felt popular I guess you could say for the first time in my life I was actually someone.
When my daughters school first opened she was one of the foundation students so it was new for everyone and I met lots of people and joined the PTA and had a blast I was secretary for a couple of years too and it kept me busy. I knew all the teachers and I became a part of that school and I loved it.
Then when I got my depression 4yrs later it all changed and I withdrew and couldn't leave the house without having an anxiety attack and I stopped talking to people, I left the PTA and was back to feeling like a nobody again.
Over the last 10yrs I have made friends and I have lost friends and some I know why and other I have no idea why they stopped talking to me and I could drive myself nuts trying to figure it out but I don't need to do that I can put it behind me.
I know in the past I have been a very needy and negative person I just didn't know any different and I know over the years I have been a burden to people well it's time for change.
I am trying to make an effort to go out more even if it means being out of my comfort zone which it normally is but I always end up having a good time so it's time to stop being afraid and get out there and live life.
So when I went out last night I felt uneasy I was meeting new people but I ended up having a great night and who knows maybe I will make some new friends out of it anything is possible.
So I guess my message is to open that door to new things and allow yourself to have fun and try new things even if it scares you.
I plan to stop being a chicken and get out there and just do it :)
10yrs ago I was such a different person I was still shy but I got over it and didn't let it hold me back. I had lots of friends and lots of people I talked too it was nice and I felt popular I guess you could say for the first time in my life I was actually someone.
When my daughters school first opened she was one of the foundation students so it was new for everyone and I met lots of people and joined the PTA and had a blast I was secretary for a couple of years too and it kept me busy. I knew all the teachers and I became a part of that school and I loved it.
Then when I got my depression 4yrs later it all changed and I withdrew and couldn't leave the house without having an anxiety attack and I stopped talking to people, I left the PTA and was back to feeling like a nobody again.
Over the last 10yrs I have made friends and I have lost friends and some I know why and other I have no idea why they stopped talking to me and I could drive myself nuts trying to figure it out but I don't need to do that I can put it behind me.
I know in the past I have been a very needy and negative person I just didn't know any different and I know over the years I have been a burden to people well it's time for change.
I am trying to make an effort to go out more even if it means being out of my comfort zone which it normally is but I always end up having a good time so it's time to stop being afraid and get out there and live life.
So when I went out last night I felt uneasy I was meeting new people but I ended up having a great night and who knows maybe I will make some new friends out of it anything is possible.
So I guess my message is to open that door to new things and allow yourself to have fun and try new things even if it scares you.
I plan to stop being a chicken and get out there and just do it :)
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Old Patterns
I am feeling really frustrated at the moment I was doing so well and then the last few days I have fallen back into old patterns and its really hard not to beat myself up over it but its what I always do.
I want to make changes and I start but it only last a week or two admittedly I probably started at the wrong time just as the holidays started they aren't a good time for me and I struggle not being in my normal routine. I know it sounds like an excuse and maybe to some degree it is but its also life and I have to get used to it. What am I going to do for 6wks over Christmas.
The last 2 days have been the worst and we have eaten out both days but I haven't enjoyed it but its been convenient.
School is back on Monday and I will start back at the Gym and I need to focus I love my exercise and its not really my problem its my eating and it has been good up until the other day but as TW said this morning I have to just put the last couple of days behind me and move on today is a new day. Well today didn't go so well either so lets say tomorrow is a new day.
I know that it takes a while for new habits so I have to give myself the time and I am certainly doing better than in the past.
I do wonder if it is just me or do others find it just as hard and they struggle too?? Im sure they do
I know what I want and you would think it would be so easy to achieve I mean all you have to do is exercise and eat healthy it's that easy isn't it?? well you would think so.
I guess if life was that easy it would be boring because everything would come to you so easy.
A couple of years ago I had the option to have gastric bypass but at the time my husband had left me and the surgeon said I was too emotional and it just couldn't happen so he said come back in 6mths and he made an appointment because I was a candidate to have it through the public system.
6mths later came and I cancelled the appointment as I decided for me the surgery was the easy way out and I couldn't have a proper life after that only eating certain things and small amounts etc I love my food and the other thing was I want to earn it not be given it because once I do eventually get to my goal I will have work my butt off to get it.
I'm not saying that the surgery is a bad thing it's just not the right thing for me.
It's now 18mths later and I am 16kgs lighter than I was then but for the last 2yrs I have been stuck between 120-128kgs up and down then up and down again it's a vicious cycle for me and it will be until I break it and only I can break it.
I have to believe that when the time is right I will lose this weight when my mind and body decide its time to work together and until then I will keep trying :)
I want to make changes and I start but it only last a week or two admittedly I probably started at the wrong time just as the holidays started they aren't a good time for me and I struggle not being in my normal routine. I know it sounds like an excuse and maybe to some degree it is but its also life and I have to get used to it. What am I going to do for 6wks over Christmas.
The last 2 days have been the worst and we have eaten out both days but I haven't enjoyed it but its been convenient.
School is back on Monday and I will start back at the Gym and I need to focus I love my exercise and its not really my problem its my eating and it has been good up until the other day but as TW said this morning I have to just put the last couple of days behind me and move on today is a new day. Well today didn't go so well either so lets say tomorrow is a new day.
I know that it takes a while for new habits so I have to give myself the time and I am certainly doing better than in the past.
I do wonder if it is just me or do others find it just as hard and they struggle too?? Im sure they do
I know what I want and you would think it would be so easy to achieve I mean all you have to do is exercise and eat healthy it's that easy isn't it?? well you would think so.
I guess if life was that easy it would be boring because everything would come to you so easy.
A couple of years ago I had the option to have gastric bypass but at the time my husband had left me and the surgeon said I was too emotional and it just couldn't happen so he said come back in 6mths and he made an appointment because I was a candidate to have it through the public system.
6mths later came and I cancelled the appointment as I decided for me the surgery was the easy way out and I couldn't have a proper life after that only eating certain things and small amounts etc I love my food and the other thing was I want to earn it not be given it because once I do eventually get to my goal I will have work my butt off to get it.
I'm not saying that the surgery is a bad thing it's just not the right thing for me.
It's now 18mths later and I am 16kgs lighter than I was then but for the last 2yrs I have been stuck between 120-128kgs up and down then up and down again it's a vicious cycle for me and it will be until I break it and only I can break it.
I have to believe that when the time is right I will lose this weight when my mind and body decide its time to work together and until then I will keep trying :)
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Challenging Times
It's only Tuesday and I already feel like I have run a couple of marathons this week haha
Firstly I got a visit from my old mate T.O.M and well we have known each other for 27yrs I still don't appreciate his visits and especially not this one. I know this isn't a talked about subject but I don't see why not it's a fact of life.
Normally I don't mind it and up until I stopped taking my meds a couple of years ago we didn't have a problem but once I stopped all meds I was noticing every month around this time I was getting really bad pains so I'm guessing my meds covered the pain so now every month I have to take drugs for it.
But it seems once or twice a year those pains are horrendous and the drugs don't work so it seems this month was that time and at 2am Monday morning I was woken up to extreme pain so I took my drugs and 30mins later it was getting worse so I took some other drugs and by 3.15am I was close to tears so I got up and had a shower but still no relief so by 4am it was heat pack and by time 4.30am came around it was finally going away and I could go back to sleep.
Only to be woken up at 6.30am so I guess you can probably tell that me and lack of sleep don't go together very well at all. I was hoping to get back into my exercise after 3 days off but it didn't happen and my eating it wasn't as good as it could have been either but it could have been worse.
I went to physio on Monday too and got my elbow sorted to find out what was causing the pain and it seems it was a tight tricep that was causing the problem so getting that and my achilles worked on was good and seeing my physio again after her being away for 5wks was good too.
So today I went to my class this morning and it started off good and I worked my butt off lots of running and full on stuff but then it took a turn for the worse and I held the pads up got kicked really hard and now my elbow is worse than it was and I am in a lot of pain and to be honest I am getting really frustrated at being broken all the time. Even typing this is hurting but it's important to me to get this down.
I spent most of today in Day Surgery with my best friend and I was there in the theatre when she went to sleep it meant a lot to me to be with her and I was there when she woke up I like helping people and when it's something like this and I am in a caring roll for that person it really makes me feel good like I am doing something right for once.
I dropped her off tonight and got her settled into bed but I still worry about her so will be checking up regularly she did txt me tonight to say Thanks again and to say she was good so I'm pleased.
I knew I was going to be there all day so I prepared my lunch before I went so I am really proud of myself for doing that and I have stayed under my calories so I am happy today and looking froward to the rest of the week going well too.
Firstly I got a visit from my old mate T.O.M and well we have known each other for 27yrs I still don't appreciate his visits and especially not this one. I know this isn't a talked about subject but I don't see why not it's a fact of life.
Normally I don't mind it and up until I stopped taking my meds a couple of years ago we didn't have a problem but once I stopped all meds I was noticing every month around this time I was getting really bad pains so I'm guessing my meds covered the pain so now every month I have to take drugs for it.
But it seems once or twice a year those pains are horrendous and the drugs don't work so it seems this month was that time and at 2am Monday morning I was woken up to extreme pain so I took my drugs and 30mins later it was getting worse so I took some other drugs and by 3.15am I was close to tears so I got up and had a shower but still no relief so by 4am it was heat pack and by time 4.30am came around it was finally going away and I could go back to sleep.
Only to be woken up at 6.30am so I guess you can probably tell that me and lack of sleep don't go together very well at all. I was hoping to get back into my exercise after 3 days off but it didn't happen and my eating it wasn't as good as it could have been either but it could have been worse.
I went to physio on Monday too and got my elbow sorted to find out what was causing the pain and it seems it was a tight tricep that was causing the problem so getting that and my achilles worked on was good and seeing my physio again after her being away for 5wks was good too.
So today I went to my class this morning and it started off good and I worked my butt off lots of running and full on stuff but then it took a turn for the worse and I held the pads up got kicked really hard and now my elbow is worse than it was and I am in a lot of pain and to be honest I am getting really frustrated at being broken all the time. Even typing this is hurting but it's important to me to get this down.
I spent most of today in Day Surgery with my best friend and I was there in the theatre when she went to sleep it meant a lot to me to be with her and I was there when she woke up I like helping people and when it's something like this and I am in a caring roll for that person it really makes me feel good like I am doing something right for once.
I dropped her off tonight and got her settled into bed but I still worry about her so will be checking up regularly she did txt me tonight to say Thanks again and to say she was good so I'm pleased.
I knew I was going to be there all day so I prepared my lunch before I went so I am really proud of myself for doing that and I have stayed under my calories so I am happy today and looking froward to the rest of the week going well too.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Overthinker
That would be one word that a lot of people would use to describe me and they would be right. I had an old trainer DR that used to always say to me when we were having a conversation "how many times have you had this conversation in your head" and I had usually had it about 3 times and it ended differently every time.
I try not to do it as much these days but sometimes it just happens and sometimes I catch myself doing it and can stop it. I tend to do it a lot when it comes to my eating and sometimes end up talking myself out of sticking to an eating program.
Like last night for example I wasn't sure if I could be back on plan today WHY?? it's not that hard you just eat and track simple so why is it in my head that I make such a big deal about it maybe cause I seem to make big deals out of a lot of things a habit of a lifetime I would say.
We I know habits are a good thing but some habits need to be broken and this is one of them. It's time to just do instead of think, think and think some more. Some things don't need that much thinking.
I woke up this morning after having the best sleep I have in over a week so I woke up refreshed and ready and I have planned out todays food and it has been fine so what was I worried about exactly I had nothing to worry about all that time I spent worrying I will never get back.
It's also been 3 days since I exercised and I miss it already so back into it tomorrow I am definitely noticing if I don't do something everyday my mood changes so my plan is to do something 6 days a week and I have to have one rest day cause I don't want to burn out and knowing me as I do that will happen cause I will get obsessed with it and it's about making little changes for good benefits.
It's my last week with JA's Fighting Fit and then I will change my trainings and it works out well cause the kids will be back at school so I can set up a good routine. I will miss the group but it's just the way it has to be right now and I accept that.
So what I am planning and this could change but at this stage what I would like is to do something at home Mon & Fri, Gym Tues & Thurs JA Wed so this is the plan watch this space :)
I try not to do it as much these days but sometimes it just happens and sometimes I catch myself doing it and can stop it. I tend to do it a lot when it comes to my eating and sometimes end up talking myself out of sticking to an eating program.
Like last night for example I wasn't sure if I could be back on plan today WHY?? it's not that hard you just eat and track simple so why is it in my head that I make such a big deal about it maybe cause I seem to make big deals out of a lot of things a habit of a lifetime I would say.
We I know habits are a good thing but some habits need to be broken and this is one of them. It's time to just do instead of think, think and think some more. Some things don't need that much thinking.
I woke up this morning after having the best sleep I have in over a week so I woke up refreshed and ready and I have planned out todays food and it has been fine so what was I worried about exactly I had nothing to worry about all that time I spent worrying I will never get back.
It's also been 3 days since I exercised and I miss it already so back into it tomorrow I am definitely noticing if I don't do something everyday my mood changes so my plan is to do something 6 days a week and I have to have one rest day cause I don't want to burn out and knowing me as I do that will happen cause I will get obsessed with it and it's about making little changes for good benefits.
It's my last week with JA's Fighting Fit and then I will change my trainings and it works out well cause the kids will be back at school so I can set up a good routine. I will miss the group but it's just the way it has to be right now and I accept that.
So what I am planning and this could change but at this stage what I would like is to do something at home Mon & Fri, Gym Tues & Thurs JA Wed so this is the plan watch this space :)
Day off
Today I decided to take the day off calorie counting and I'm not sure if it was a good thing or not I am still undecided. I know that it's good to have a day off once a week so it changes things up.
I am a little worried about whether I can get back into it tomorrow I guess for me it's what I have done in the past had a day off and I never get back on to it and I want it to be different this time and do it without putting pressure on myself.
I am still feeling really tired and I know that doesn't help so I need to try an relax a little more so I can sleep better.
I'm starting this challenge on Monday so I think that will help me stay on track and giving me a little goal to reach again in the past I have started these things and never completed them so its time for that to change too.
Tomorrow is a new day :)
I am a little worried about whether I can get back into it tomorrow I guess for me it's what I have done in the past had a day off and I never get back on to it and I want it to be different this time and do it without putting pressure on myself.
I am still feeling really tired and I know that doesn't help so I need to try an relax a little more so I can sleep better.
I'm starting this challenge on Monday so I think that will help me stay on track and giving me a little goal to reach again in the past I have started these things and never completed them so its time for that to change too.
Tomorrow is a new day :)
Friday, October 5, 2012
Functioning on 2hrs sleep
It just doesn't happen and it really effects you in a big way. I have no idea why I didn't sleep but most of the night I just lay awake and for some of it I thought about what to do with my client today in our session and the rest of the night I just tossed and turned looking at the clock.
I had breakfast at 7.30am and crawled back into bed and slept for 21/2hrs but then got up feeling tired still so got sorted, wrote out session plan for client and then she arrived and it was a fun session but I just couldn't shake the tiredness.
I took the kids out for lunch and then back home for a sleep cause I just couldn't stay awake so again 2 1/2hrs I slept woke up just after 5pm and still felt tired it's so frustrating and as I write this I want to close my eyes but I need to stay awake for a little bit longer.
I didn't get a chance to exercise today cause I was too tired haha and I have noticed how my mood has changed today and it has been a bit low and eating hasn't been to bad I did go over a little in my calories but over all I am ok with that cause the last 2wks have been good and I haven't really taken any time off the plan.
Today was the first day off training in 11 days so maybe it's my body saying slow down or possibly I am getting sick but it could be anything but I have been very full on with my training so I have to start listening to what my body has too say and tomorrow is another day.
I also think a lot of the problem is the change with Daylight Savings because since the change over on Sunday my sleep patterns have changed and it normally takes a good week or two to adjust so please let it be soon :)
I had breakfast at 7.30am and crawled back into bed and slept for 21/2hrs but then got up feeling tired still so got sorted, wrote out session plan for client and then she arrived and it was a fun session but I just couldn't shake the tiredness.
I took the kids out for lunch and then back home for a sleep cause I just couldn't stay awake so again 2 1/2hrs I slept woke up just after 5pm and still felt tired it's so frustrating and as I write this I want to close my eyes but I need to stay awake for a little bit longer.
I didn't get a chance to exercise today cause I was too tired haha and I have noticed how my mood has changed today and it has been a bit low and eating hasn't been to bad I did go over a little in my calories but over all I am ok with that cause the last 2wks have been good and I haven't really taken any time off the plan.
Today was the first day off training in 11 days so maybe it's my body saying slow down or possibly I am getting sick but it could be anything but I have been very full on with my training so I have to start listening to what my body has too say and tomorrow is another day.
I also think a lot of the problem is the change with Daylight Savings because since the change over on Sunday my sleep patterns have changed and it normally takes a good week or two to adjust so please let it be soon :)
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Mind Vs Body
This is something I haven't given much thought too until today when I put it into action. Quite often the mind gives up way before the body does and it is something that you have to learn to change and keep pushing through so your body wins out.
Today I had a 30min training session with a Trainer/Friend and he is pretty full on but it was such a great session. I was so tired and at times wanted to give up but he wouldn't let me he kept pushing and pushing until I made it to the end.
My body could handle it but my mind had stopped and given up on me. I kept trying to stop and rest and JT kept pushing and in some cases punishing me for stopping it was hard but at the end of it I felt fantastic tired but so good.
I did try and be a smart ass and tried a sneaky punch to his ribs well to think I would get away with that was insane I got a hard punch to the stomach and I wasn't ready for it so he's good I have to give him credit for that but we had a good laugh about it after.
I have never really been strong in my mind and have always given up way too soon and I really want to work on that and really push through when it comes to my training and get to the failure point where my body is saying enough is enough not just the mind.
I have been on my eating well/ training well kick for about a week and a half now and it has been going great but I have noticed today well more tonight feeling the pressure and that is normally my pattern so I have to change that and again it is all in my mind. It doesn't help when there is a caramel slice sitting on my bench but I haven't touched it I am going to be strong.
I know that my daughter is going to back cause she like baking but I guess I have to decide if it is worth it or is my ultimate goal more important. I have always been quite weak and it I can get through tonight I can do this and be a success.
I have also noticed that I am feeling really tired and I don't think that is helping much so if I pay attention to what my body is saying/doing then I will be able to gage why I eat. I have always been an emotional eater and I can acknowledge that so that is step one.
I have another group session tomorrow which I am looking forward too I do enjoy it and after next week when it finishes I have to decide what is next for me with my training.
Today I had a 30min training session with a Trainer/Friend and he is pretty full on but it was such a great session. I was so tired and at times wanted to give up but he wouldn't let me he kept pushing and pushing until I made it to the end.
My body could handle it but my mind had stopped and given up on me. I kept trying to stop and rest and JT kept pushing and in some cases punishing me for stopping it was hard but at the end of it I felt fantastic tired but so good.
I did try and be a smart ass and tried a sneaky punch to his ribs well to think I would get away with that was insane I got a hard punch to the stomach and I wasn't ready for it so he's good I have to give him credit for that but we had a good laugh about it after.
I have never really been strong in my mind and have always given up way too soon and I really want to work on that and really push through when it comes to my training and get to the failure point where my body is saying enough is enough not just the mind.
I have been on my eating well/ training well kick for about a week and a half now and it has been going great but I have noticed today well more tonight feeling the pressure and that is normally my pattern so I have to change that and again it is all in my mind. It doesn't help when there is a caramel slice sitting on my bench but I haven't touched it I am going to be strong.
I know that my daughter is going to back cause she like baking but I guess I have to decide if it is worth it or is my ultimate goal more important. I have always been quite weak and it I can get through tonight I can do this and be a success.
I have also noticed that I am feeling really tired and I don't think that is helping much so if I pay attention to what my body is saying/doing then I will be able to gage why I eat. I have always been an emotional eater and I can acknowledge that so that is step one.
I have another group session tomorrow which I am looking forward too I do enjoy it and after next week when it finishes I have to decide what is next for me with my training.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Making Changes
Sometimes making changes is a good thing and sometimes it can be just the little things that make a big difference to how you feel and what you do.
I don't like change and it effects me sometimes in a big way and sends me into a tail spin and I feel lost and out of my comfort zone but I have realised that change is good and you should embrace it not be afraid of it.
Just recently I had a big upheaval well it was big for me. When DF left the gym I was scared, confused and didn't know what to do because he had helped me so much so how was I going to get on without him and I had a major freak out instead of seeing it as a good thing.
Everything was changing DF was gone and JA had changed gyms so where did it leave me?? well JA wanted me to follow him to the other branch and that was scary but I did it but I'm still afraid and haven't gone into that gym to train on my own yet I just go there 2 mornings a week to do JA fighting fit group.
The group finishes next week so I have to take that next step and go in and train at the gym on my own but the other thing is I am enjoying training at home to and motivating myself so maybe it's time to combine both of them.
I have also recently taken some time to work on me. I am always the go to person if someone has a problem I will always help no matter what is going on for me I can't say no well a couple of weeks ago I decided I have to say no I have to be there for me now it is time for me to help me and it is the best thing.
I am seeing the world as a glass half full now instead of half empty like I have always done. I am looking at the world in a positive way now and it has made a huge difference for me I feel like a new person someone who is worth looking after and someone that is worth the effort and for once I feel like I am worth it.
So sometimes making those little changes and getting out of your comfort zone is the best thing you can and you may even learn to like it :)
I don't like change and it effects me sometimes in a big way and sends me into a tail spin and I feel lost and out of my comfort zone but I have realised that change is good and you should embrace it not be afraid of it.
Just recently I had a big upheaval well it was big for me. When DF left the gym I was scared, confused and didn't know what to do because he had helped me so much so how was I going to get on without him and I had a major freak out instead of seeing it as a good thing.
Everything was changing DF was gone and JA had changed gyms so where did it leave me?? well JA wanted me to follow him to the other branch and that was scary but I did it but I'm still afraid and haven't gone into that gym to train on my own yet I just go there 2 mornings a week to do JA fighting fit group.
The group finishes next week so I have to take that next step and go in and train at the gym on my own but the other thing is I am enjoying training at home to and motivating myself so maybe it's time to combine both of them.
I have also recently taken some time to work on me. I am always the go to person if someone has a problem I will always help no matter what is going on for me I can't say no well a couple of weeks ago I decided I have to say no I have to be there for me now it is time for me to help me and it is the best thing.
I am seeing the world as a glass half full now instead of half empty like I have always done. I am looking at the world in a positive way now and it has made a huge difference for me I feel like a new person someone who is worth looking after and someone that is worth the effort and for once I feel like I am worth it.
So sometimes making those little changes and getting out of your comfort zone is the best thing you can and you may even learn to like it :)
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